Things Story (my four year old) has taught me.

-Sandwiches taste better cut into two equal halves directly down the middle.
Don’t even give her that diagonal junk. Don’t even mess with the crusts or making four equal pieces instead of two. That ruins everything. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Two equal pieces cut directly in the middle. If the line is slightly askew or if one piece is bigger the whole thing has to be scrapped. She will measure them with each other and make absolutely sure they are even.

-Monsters Inc is a horror film.
It doesn’t matter that the monsters loved Boo and that Boo loved them back. It’s some scary stuff when anything comes out of a closet.

-Clothing is always optional.
It’s really a waste of time. It gets dirty, you gotta take it off and wash it and dry it and that is a waste of time as well. The exception is that one dress that kinda looks like Ana from frozen wore it. That dress is to be worn at all times and must be washed and dried immediately following the four year olds bed time so that it’s ready to go each and every morning….unless she chooses to sleep in it.

-While we are on the subject of clothing, if she decides to change 12-23 times a day that’s ok too.
Either be totally into clothing and insist on wearing every single piece of clothing today, RIGHT NOW, TODAY, THIS VERY MINUTE! Or be not into it to the extent of answering the door to meet a stranger totally naked. There is no in between.

-Flowers grow so we can pick them and put them into our hair.
There is no other logical reason for plants at all. They are simply to behead and stick in ponytails and behind ears.

-Gummies are breakfast food.
Don’t even get me started on why this is true. Mostly she gets away with this bc mornings are awful and before I’ve had coffee I’m not human.

-Neighbors are a gigantic waste of time.
Unless they have a pool which they invite us to use or unless they have that one kid that she likes and they invite her to play. Otherwise why are they even there? We can’t run into their yard naked. We can’t pet their dogs bc they bite. We can’t take their mail as well as out own. Total waste of space.

-Cats are stuffed animals that eat and poop.
You can wear them like scarves. You can carry them like a purse. You can stick them in actual purses and then sling them around and around while singing at the top of your lungs about how much you love cats. Magically, they don’t run away. I don’t know if it’s bc they are stupid or bc they have brain damage. Either way, she’s yet to kill one.

-Birthdays are magical parades of presents and cake.
Every time you see anything, anywhere, ever, you simply say, “I want that for my birthday” and the parents are obligated to buy it for you.

-If there is one tiny snag on any of your ten toenails or fingernails you’re allowed to forgo bedtime and lay awake for hours until your mother loses her ever loving mind and THEN you tell her that you can’t possibly sleep with that tiny “snaggy” on that one toe or finger.
Honestly, it’s prob easier to make a whole separate blog about reasons my four year old refuses to sleep.

-There are essential oils for everything.
Burn? Bug bite? Scrape? Belly ache? Itchy ear? Kinda sorta think that one finger hurts a little bit? OIL UP.
She comes by this one honestly. We are a hippy family.

-Hair, of any sort, needs to be brushed….unless it’s hers. In that case leave it alone. The tangles are just fine.
This one really stinks for her bc all the ladies here have naturally curly hair and you don’t brush curly hair dry. So when someone with straight hair happens to be in the vicinity Story needs to brush that hair until the person begs her to stop.

-If there is something you can make your mother feel bad about, do it. Do it now.
Most of the time your momma will give you ice cream or chips to make it better. This works even better if you tell her she’s your favorite and you love her more than anyone else.

-Tractor Supply, Lowes, Food city, All of these stores have a toy department.
When you I say they don’t obviously I’m just lying. She simply has to insist that I take her to that area at least one hundred times while in said store and I’ll find it. All stores have a toy section that needs to be explored and chosen from. By the time we find something that passes for toys though I’m typically not in a good mood for some reason.

-If you eat one bite from a piece of fruit and then decide to not finish it just throw the whole thing in the trash. It’s not like we paid money for that food or anything.

-Your mommas breasts are meant to be squished.
Dig those elbows in! Grab them like handles to swing from! There is no reason for them to be purely ornamental!

-If someone doesn’t answer you right away it’s bc they didn’t hear you and you should positively keep saying what you said over and over just louder. That way your are gonna get whatever you want.

-If someone leaves a coffee just sitting around, drink it!
Do it fast so no one notices.