What I’ve Gained and Lost

 

Four years ago I wanted to zip line and couldn’t. I was over the weight limit. I started working out and slowly worked my way into harder and harder physical exercise. We began changing our diet. Though portion control, diet change, using essential oils, running, weights, yoga, kettle bells….I mean, you see where I’m going with this. There wasn’t just one magic thing I did and the weight fell off. It was a combination of

things and none of them were easy or fun. I kept focusing on what I had to give up to lose weight in the beginning. I had to give up pop, French fries, doughnuts, deep fried things in general, sleep, bc I go to the gym early, you see where I’m going with this as well. There were things that were comfortable that I enjoyed that I was familiar with and I held on to them. I couldn’t possibly lose them all. Food is so comforting! Sleep requires me to do nothing! I wore a size 2/3x and a size 26 jeans. Yesterday talking with a friend who has also lost a significant amount of weight made me realize that maybe I’ve gained and lost things I wasn’t even aware of.

I’ve even lost people in my life by losing weight. Some people can’t deal with me changing my outward appearance. They’ve throw backwards complements (“don’t lose too much weight or you’ll get too pretty”) and distanced themselves from me.
I’m still me just 90 pounds less of me but that is something that people can’t deal with sometimes. I even have experienced people who think and said I “don’t deserve this”. Yeah, I know right? If you’re reading this I assume you gasped there. I’m ok with losing those people. It kinda stinks bc I cared for them but they miss the 90 pounds I’ve lost and I don’t. Real friends are happy when someone makes a healthy change in their life. Real friends don’t see weight they see the person. They’ll hug you no matter what and they love you no matter what.

I’ve lost certain fears. The pic here is of me zip lining. I hardly ever get on an elevator and worry I’ll break it now. Kayaking is another thing pictured here that was a major thing for me. I always thought I was too big to kayak. I know I wasn’t near the weight limit for those things in reality but the thought of everyone seeing me try to climb into the kayak and thinking they were thinking, “she’s gonna sink that” or seeing me on the water in my bathing suit. It was more than I could handle. But I’d watch other people do these things and I so wanted to try them. I want to try to paddle board but I had the chance last year and couldn’t bring myself to try it out of fear. I’ll get there….maybe.

I look back and wonder how many things in life I didn’t do bc of my weight and I made excuses that I maybe even believed myself. After all, I’ve heard those people telling me I couldn’t do things bc of my weight my whole life. The boys that taunted me by calling me “thunder thighs….wonder how she’ll fit in her desk” in grade school and the girls that said, “You’ve got such a pretty face. You could be a model if you lost weight.” My ex husbands, “Don’t lose too much or other men will notice you.” Sometimes I lose those voices and other times they are there. When they are there they slip into my head and push me to run a little more, do a few more reps, and push myself. So to the big meanies that said those things, thanks.

I’ve gained certain fears. That my children will grow up and inherit my weight problem. That I’ll never be able to afford the surgery I need to remove excess skin. Clothes are insane. I get nervous trying things on. I worry I’ll try on a medium and it won’t fit and I’ll keep going up and up and up until it’s a 3x and it does fit. It doesn’t matter that if things are snug on me I had them down to my 12 year old and that if things are too big on her I swipe them. When I try on clothes I can’t not think what if this won’t fit? What if I end up needing the size I wore before.
Irrational? Yes. Real? Yes.

I’ve gained ability to do things I never dreamed possible. Running is like a drug for me. I turn off my mind and just do it. I slip into “mind flow” and my body does its thing and it just works. I can outrun my children. I’m able to work in my yard. I climbed mountains this week to pick blackberries and I didn’t worry about my physical limitations. There are lots of things I’m not ready for yet but now I see the ability to work up to them and that is pretty awesome in itself.

I’ve lost the ability to sleep in without guilt. I lay there thinking about how I need to workout. I need the endorphin rush. I need to get up and get moving. It’s easier to just go workout than lay there and hate myself for skipping out.

I’ve also lost the ability to buy, eat, and enjoy unhealthy food. Even when I cheat I can’t fully enjoy it bc in my head I’m thinking of calories and fat content. In turn, Ive gained love for healthy food. I enjoy finding new things I can eat and make and things that taste like real food. (Btw. Pamela’s gluten free baking things……so good.) I love organic fruits and veggies. I never thought I’d truly crave those things but I do. If we are traveling and I can’t eat the way I normally do I crave real food.

I’ve gained the knowledge that this is never easy. No matter how you lose weight its hard. It’s like having a baby, no matter how it is born, it wasn’t easy and there was some blood involved. Some things that are easy for me aren’t for other people and vise versa. Mentally and physically this is difficult.
Physically I almost always have a body part that aches from working out. I like that ache bc it means I pushed myself (As I write this I’m oiling and icing a shoulder bc chin ups kicked my butt yesterday). I never dreamed I’d be able to do even one chin up four years ago but one day I tried it. I did half of one and then a whole one and then more and more.
Mentally I think I’ll always see the 257 pound me trying so hard at the gym, squeezing into my size 26 jeans, and taking high blood pressure meds in my 20’s. But that 257 pound me in my head keeps me going so I just accept her and love her bc she is my motivation.
Let me also throw in a shameless plug. I teach classes for dō Terra about how to use and buy essential oils. Beginning to use oils for my families overall wellness was my first step in taking control of what was happening to my body. If you’d like more information about then message me. It’s free information and it works.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Robyn says:

    You amaze me. I cant believe that anyone could ever say that you dont deserve all the good things. They didnt just happen. You worked hard for it. You have actually helped me get motivated a lot. It is always in the back of my mind that you managed to do this. I can too. Its different seeing people on tv lose weight. When its someone that your close to it is more real. Your one of my role models!

    Like

    1. honestjoy says:

      I love you sister.
      You encourage me when I really wanna give up. So glad we have each other.

      Like

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