The Breast I could Do

This little fuzzy never exposed any of my body parts to anyone. See? Cats, way easier than kids.

Once Upon A Time….


As a teen and early twenties girl I did not want children. I preferred cats. They were warm and fuzzy. They could be left alone for a few days. They didn’t require constant attention and let’s face it, they are easier than kids. When I found out I was pregnant the first time the first emotion I felt wasn’t sheer joy. It was sheer terror. I was clueless about babies and children. My bosses wife told me that the baby pushes on your bladder when you’re pregnant so you get up to pee forty times a night and that gets you used to getting up when the baby cries. I actually said aloud, “the baby cries? At night? Why?” I’m not even kidding. I said that in front of other people. I’m sure they all still tell other people I said it and laugh. I would still tell other people and laugh.

Anyway, my first outing with little Lennon in tow was to the local grocery to get formula. I put on a clean white v neck t shirt and then I forced my ninety pound diaper bag and my eight pound kid into my tiny car and my extremely overweight bottom into the pants that I must’ve shrunk in the drier bc it was three weeks after having the kid. I mean, why was I still in maternity clothes? I made it to the grocery and attached a backwards backpack apparatus thing on with Lennon inside. He was snuggled up warm as a cat just under my bra line and quiet content. I talked to him the whole time. “We need some more of this.” And, “you ok little buddy?” And, “I’m gonna reach out and get this now little love.” He fell fast asleep.

I slowly felt more confident with him. I thought maybe I wouldn’t screw this up too bad after all. Maybe this would be even better than having a cat! Like a cat you can shop with! I even took a few more laps around the store. Just as I finished I noticed a particularly handsome man at the checkout and thought, why not? I’ll just slide in here behind this fine looking creature. The man was buying cologne and it was one of my favorites at the time* and he was dressed in nice looking attire. We were waiting for the lady in front of him to put all her items on the conveyor belt thing and pay.

He turned around and asked me if I thought the cologne smelled nice and I answered that I loved that brand and it was one of my favorites. He made small talk that I don’t recall. He talked about how cute Lennon was and stared at my chest (which Lennon was snoozing just under) for an awkward amount of time. I was unable to breastfeed so this wasn’t because of any of the normal post baby more than ample breast that most women have. I tried to breastfeed and it didn’t work. I had the maternity bra on to prove I tried. The man smiled a lot and was so good looking and nice and I thought, “Yep, still got it. Baby isn’t even a month old and I am getting checked out big time.”

He paid and left. I paid and left and when I began to detach the backward backpack baby holder apparatus I looked down to find that sleeping angel with his tiny fist tightly grasping the neck of my clean white v neck t shirt just so that it slipped over over one entire breast. That’s right. My sleeping newborn exposed the entire breast encased in a huge maternity bra.

Now I have no idea how long I walked around like that. I have no idea why some woman didn’t see it and stop me and say, “hey lady, you’re walking around with a boob out.” I have no clue as to why that guy thought it was a positive thing. All I know is I was outraged and embarrassed….and still slightly proud that I still could attract a man, all be it a weirdo, but still a man.

*If you know me now you know I don’t enjoy any type of toxic garbage but this was 13 years ago and that man smelled like heaven on a cracker.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Lol i love these so much.


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