Honest Resume

I have a particular skill set…..

Bilingual.
If those languages are English and nerdy sarcasm…ooooo, and Mexican food, so I mean, that is something. I took two years of Spanish in high school…..and I passed…..still don’t know how that happened. When I order I say, “um, special number three please.” I’m just saying that in reality the high school Spanish class needed at least one test on how to properly order a chicken chimichanga with no guacamole.

Yoga Gold Medalist.
It’s my thing. I can curl up into positions that make other people cringe. Idk what’s wrong with me. All I know is if I go too long without yoga everything hurts.

Temporary Wardrobial Organization Skills
Which translates to I’m good at packing. This is mostly because I’m a anxious worrier and any travel stresses me out but the plan is to pack for any bumps in the road so that I’m prepared. I mean, I go over each detail of every trip and plan accordingly. It’s a control thing. I think if I’m prepped for it I can handle whatever. I’ve been like that since grade school so I have years of experience. Need lip balm? Clear? Or fig colored? Need Stevia for your coffee? Need a sanitary napkin? Chances are I have one unless my tween stole them from my bag and didn’t replace my spare because she is the exact opposite personality. This is why I pack for every family member including my husband for every trip. I even pack his bag for trips he goes on alone. I’m good at the 400 pound suitcase. Somehow I make it all fit. It’s like a giant puzzle.

Internal Caffeination Sensor.
Wanna find the nearest Starbucks? I’ve never typed anything into gps faster. Looking for coffee in an airport? I can sniff that out like a bloodhound with a serious coffee addiction. It’s unreal considering 85% of the time I have no clue where I’m going.

H2O manipulator.
I’m not bragging…yeah I am, but still. I’m a good swimmer. I’ve never lost a single race in the pool no matter what the age my competitors. I was pregnant once and still beat a teenager. I once bet a large chili cheese fries that I could make headway in a certain amount of time for a certain distance in a lazy river at a water park. We actually timed it and every thing. Those fries were so good. The pools are never Olympic size and the time is never that much and sometimes my competitors are in floaties.
Still counts.

Feline Correctional Coordinator.
I can take a kitten that avoids eye contact and human interaction and make it my lap cat. I just love the fluff out of them until they love me back but it’s a skill.

Essential Ōil Guru.
I’ve dedicated over two years of study at this point on nothing but dō terra and essential oils. It’s my calling. You got some uncomfortable joints? I have an oil to fix that. You got some occasional respiratory issues? I got an oil for that. You tired of dr visits, meds, and the utter non sense big pharma feeds us? Yeah. I got so much for that. Just ask some questions and I can hook you up. That actually is what I get paid to do.

Expert at Large Berry Prophecy.
I can pick a watermelon that makes you praise the Lord for making watermelon. I get really into the picking process. I have my secrets and I read those berries like tea leaves.

Exotic Botanist.
The local food city lady gives me the dead orchids and I breathe life into their poor wilted souls and when they bloom I give them to people who need a pick me up. This is really only true for orchids. I kill every other plant I’ve ever kept inside.

Planner Perfectionist.
I start each month with a color coded calendar. Everyone and everything has a color pen and highlighter and if it pertains to me or my work or things such as that it goes in purple. Blue is Lennon. Green is David. Bills are black (like death and Satan). So on and so forth. But somehow a week in that is destroyed and I’m finding a broken pencil stub to scrawl in, “Middle school dance…again.” But still, for that bright shining week it’s really attractive.

Carcass Cleaner
I feel like this one will come in handy in the post apocalyptic world. I get all the goods off of dead animal and make turkey salad and somehow stretch that one fowl to feed a family of five for a week. I can clean a turkey so well there is nothing for the neighbors dogs to chew. They just lick…and then crap on my welcome mat….but that is another story.

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