Sugar, Oh, Honey, Honey!

I am a diabetic. Today wasn’t a fun day for me and it wasn’t my fault.
First of all. I eat right, I workout, I test my sugar, I do the things we are all told to do. I have low blood sugar. Actually I’m just saying that because it’s easier for others to understand. I am technically insulin resistant which, I’m told by my dr, means I’ll eventually be diagnosed as a diabetic. I lean toward low blood sugar but in reality I can be all over the map on any given day. My personal range that I can function in is 175-190 as a high and 80 as a low. Anything higher or lower means I’m getting very close to being very sick very fast. My a1c is actually good now that I have my weight under control. Fingers crossed and hands clasped that I’m slowing it down.
Second. I didn’t do this to myself. I used to be severely overweight. That’s not what causes this. I used to eat junk. That isn’t what causes this either. I have lost a lot of weight and that still didn’t cause this. All of those things didn’t help and prob sped up my problem but they didn’t cause this alone. I am predispositioned to have pancreatic issues. My genetics all point to diabetic. It’s not because I ate ding dongs and bear claws every morning before drinking a 32 ounce Mountain Dew. I would probably have ended up here anyway with or without the food, weight, the weight loss, and the years of no working out. But here I am in my thirties living with this.
Third. I’m not severe. I used to medicate this and I no longer medicate. I control it with diet, exercise, and essential oils to support my body function. Sometimes no matter what I do my pancreas does its own thing. It’s like a surprise. Think, “Oh look! I just ate but my hands are shaking and I am all sweaty….and ……..for some reason walking is really hard…..oh, my sugar is 62, yeah. Gonna have to have some carbs.” But for the most part I can control it. I work hard at not being sick and I’m blessed. I know lots of people who can’t control it with all of those things.
All of that backstory to let you know this.
Today I woke up and drank my coffee with coconut milk and Stevia. I found out I was late and left in a rush. I forgot to take my backup protein bar. My mom, Lennon, and Story, (my two kids), and I went to out local farmers market. I was fine. I assumed I’d grab breakfast there. It’s fabulous and it’s two bucks. Instead five year old Story fell on a concrete path just as we were walking in and I carried her and sat down and comforted her. I wasn’t hungry but I’d been up for two and a half hours and only taken in some coffee. I shopped our favorite booth because I was worried it would sell out of our favorite foods. I was right btw, it did sell out. Then I found myself wondering around buying random veggies and fruits and feeling sort of addled. My son took my five year old and ordered their breakfast about the time I noticed I was dripping with sweat and shaking.
Whoops. Every time I do this I swear I’ll never do it again. It was a couple months ago that it happened similar to this. I know I should’ve eaten. I know I should’ve ordered my food first thing. The thing is I was concerned about my child more than myself and then I was slightly in a sugar haze that means I make poor choices. Once that line is crossed I feel like, “why not buy gas station sushi? I’m sure it’s fresh!” Or, “let’s walk down this dark empty alley! I’m sure it’s safe! Oh look. This man wants to give me a hug!”
I ordered my food. I refused to finish off my moms breakfast. In ten minutes or so my food wasn’t ready and I opened a jar of honey we’d bought and licked it off my fingers in public. Yep, bare fingers that had handled frozen pork and dirty veggies and wiped blood from my five year olds skinned knee.
Licked it right off.
Now, it may have not been ten minutes, I can’t say. To me it really seemed to be thirty minutes but I know it couldn’t have been. In that sugar haze time is irrelevant and useless. When it came it was too late for me. I was stable because we had honey but I was no where near ok. Standing was hard. Walking was ever harder. I was drowning on land. Sentences were hard. Explaining to Lennon where we needed to go from here to get to the car was difficult. I really had to focus to get into the car.
And around me is all this normal. People smiling and talking and just so normal. Sometimes I get angry that I’m like this. It’s not ok. I do all the right things and I still get sick sometimes. I get even more upset at people not understanding. It’s not that I do not like to eat your mashed potatoes at Christmas, I love them, they are perfection. It’s that if I eat more than just a taste I have to slip into a coma in ten minutes. It’s not that I’m anorexic or bulimic. I just can’t eat the way 90% of Americans eat anymore. On occasion I’ll make an exception but I can really only make that one for that day. I can have the dessert if I don’t eat the pasta salad. Sometimes I have to bring a protein bar because I can’t not have protein with my meal.
Sometimes I’m hateful or cold and it’s not about you. It’s about I’m low or high and I’m sort of numb. I sort of lose what little filter I have and say exactly what comes to mind. I’m not being mean. I’m a diabetic. Sometimes my conversation doesn’t make sense and I’m not aware that it doesn’t. I’ll argue if you tell me it doesn’t. I’ll say I’m fine and that I made perfect sense. I’m not on the drugs. I’m a diabetic. This is not an excuse. This is the truth.
So today when I got home I crashed. I slept two hours and even though I should be rested I’m not. It’s 11:30 ish and I’ll go to bed after publishing this. During that two hour sleep I tried to make my son bring me my meter repeatedly. I asked him about twelve times. He was five feet from me the whole time and finally he got up to get it. Once I’d come to I asked him why he didn’t bring it to me the first time I asked. He said, “you only asked once”. Apparently I’d been sitting there trying to make myself speak and thought I was actually speaking.
This is hard. Sometimes it’s the pits. If you know someone who struggles with this try your best to be understanding and patient. If you yourself struggle with this, holistic healing has made all the difference for me and is worth the effort.
I wish you all health and wellness.

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