Once upon a time…..
I have this friend and we used to do things together. It was amazing. Doing nothing with her was doing something, ya know? We took impromptu trips to the 24 hour stores at midnight. We spent an hour looking at expensive makeup we were never gonna buy. Once my kids were asleep we’d lay in our pjs every Friday and make fun of QVC.
Anyway, one day we had to go get some supplies, I do not remember what supplies. I do not remember any specifics at all. We ate at Applebee’s before shopping though. We always did food first. We shared an appetizer, artichoke spinach dip. I don’t know if y’all have tried this or not but it’s so good. There is cheese, there are artichoke hearts, it’s all gooey and springy and bubbly. It’s really really good. Neither of us had any trouble cleaning that plate. We both ate different entrees and decided to go into a clothing store after.
It hit her first. She began pacing. I was leisurely trying on random things I didn’t need and asking her advise because I’m a girl. “This shirt? What do you think?” At first she gave her normal answer, “it’s cute. Really cute, but do it in grey”. Those answers got shorter, “cute”, “get it”, “sure”. Then her answers were, “whatever”, “yes. Buy that hat” and “it doesn’t matter”. I bought a ton of stuff including a hideous hat. Just so ya know my kind of curly hair and hats are not aesthetically pleasing. I spent a total of 81$ there.
We continued to the nearest Walmart.
Now, I have no idea if y’all have ever been inside a Walmart bathroom but if you have ever had the displeasure of needing to use the restroom in a Walmart I’d assume they are all exactly like the ones here. We’ve been everywhere we’ve been and never walked inside a Walmart restroom that I felt clean enough to not need a shower after peeing. For you target shoppers, in my experience it is not much better. I have no idea what people do in there. I can’t account for the chaos and destruction in public restrooms. I’m always so disgusted and slightly concerned for those who have clearly had a 12 pack of pudding erupt all over themselves…the walls….the floors….
Or it looks as though an entire gallon of apple juice with the lid off being held by a kangaroo that drank sixteen red bulls has by some accident made its way onto every surface. Basically, unless it’s an emergency we don’t use those restrooms.
Anyway, my friend was sweating at this point, the “poop sweats”, which I didn’t recognize until…until….
It hit me. That stupid artichoke dip decided that it was gonna just not stay inside. I began pacing the isle we were in. I whispered, “oh dear, Jesus, help me.” My friends head immediately turned and she said, “IT WAS THE DIP.” We were leaning on things, gripping the cart tight like we were part of the indie 500. Sweat was dripping. I said, “I gotta do it. I gotta go. I can’t make it home.” She was all, “No. No. It’s a Walmart bathroom. You can’t.” I was all, “Nooooooo. I have to. SAVE YOURSELF!”
We walked to the restroom area and I entered the family restroom. Now, if you work at that particular Walmart and you remember a day four to five years ago when you cleaned that family restroom that may have been slightly worse than it usually is….I’m sorry. It was no longer up to me and you may cross the street and face slap the person who made the artichoke dip that probably had something that caused a slight outbreak of food poisoning.
The relief of sitting on that filthy toilet seat….
If you’ve ever seen dumb and dumber and the scene with the blonde one on the toilet after drinking laxative in his cocoa. Yeah, it was pretty similar to that. There were noises. There was an odor. There may have been tears streaming down my face. It was not attractive. The disaster…..I’m typing this in and shaking my head and I’m not laughing.
By the time I got out my friend had both hands pressed on this counter that was used for layaway and she was wringing wet with sweat and she curtly said, “ok? Let’s go.”
We shopped another store and she was at one end of the isle and I was at the other and one of us decided to blow up a whoopee cushion and let it go. The other one naturally assumed there had been a level 19 accident. Then we laughed so hard the chances of having an accident were increased by 87%.
To this day I have no idea how she got home without a catastrophe.
I’d like to say that one restroom trip was all it took to rid myself of Applebee’s spinach and artichoke dip. I’d like to say I can enjoy it today. I’d like to say when I got home that day I didn’t take the hottest shower ever and promise God I’d never eat that again. But I can’t say any of that because it would all be a lie.
Also, when I got home and went through the 81$ worth of junk I bought at the first store I was appalled and I returned everything, especially that hideous hat.