A text to my husband while I’m away

 

I run my own home based Ōil business. I teach classes on holistic health and other such healthy hippy happiness. I work with a team of one hundred plus and I’ve done this for over two years as a business. September is the month of my people. By “my people” I mean us hippy ōilers. We journey to our companies home base in Salt Lake City, Utah. This means I’m leaving my three kids with my husband. (Insert maniacal laughter here) I’m a little worried about the kids.

He asked me for a rough schedule and I delivered.
This was my text to him yesterday while prepping to leave.

Dear sweet husband, (ok. I didn’t really send that but I should’ve because this week is gonna be so amazing for me…him. Amazing for him)

5:55am. Tiptoe out of that bedroom and leave our sweet warm five year old in the bed. Pray to God she does not wake up or there will be no rest once the older two are on their way to school. If you do drop something and wake her or maybe hit your toe and make a squeak too loud, just one decimal too loud, she’s up. And in that situation I cannot help you. Sometimes she demands a peanut butter honey sandwich cut in equal pieces and watches cartoons quietly. Sometimes she cries non stop bc the kids are leaving for school and she can’t go. Sometimes she needs to get out every Doc Mcstuffins toy and operate. Sometimes she decides to hold a cat down until it suffocates. It’s a toss up.

6am. Wake up the larger girl child. There will be a cat asleep somewhere on her bed. You have to make that cat leave her room or she’ll wake up and just lay there and pet that cat and not actually get up. Make her shower. You’ll have to open the bathroom door and say things like, “use soap!” And, ” wash all the parts”, and “apply deodorant!”

6:30am. Wake the boy.

6:40 am. Make sure you woke the boy. Ask the questions, “did you wash your face? Brush your teeth?” Etc. make sure they apply morning oils.

7am. They leave. Now if God has smiled on you and you managed to not wake the five year old you can snuggle right back up to her sleeping form and doze off in peace. DO NOT LAY ON THE COUCH, I REPEAT, NO COUCH SLEEPING. When she wakes and sees no one there she’ll cry non stop for half an hour. Do yourself a favor and go back to bed.

8:30-9am. Coffee. No exceptions. You are gonna need it.
(Feel free to text me here about how amazing I am and, “How on earth I manage to get so much done in one day is beyond me.” But trust me, your day just started and it only gets harder from here)
Get two packs of organic gummies out and offer it to that little one.
Laundry. Get a load going.
Dishes. Also get a load going.
Feed cats, let the ones that are in out unless you want to clean up another sort of mess.

11am. Lunch.
Corn dogs, peanut butter sandwich, goldfish crackers, tuna salad with cucumbers, (HEAVEN HELP YOU IF YOU DIDN’T USE KRAFT THOUSAND ISLAND AND NO MAYO IN THAT TUNA, I REPEAT. ONLY KRAFT BRAND THOUSAND ISLAND.) leftovers if you didn’t eat them all last night. Child eats anything.
(At this point I’ll have ran two miles, showered, drank a lovely Starbucks salted caramel mocha, and have taken roughly 2&1/2 hours of classes in with other like minded adults. I’ll have had adult conversations about what I intend on doing with my life and my buisness plan and such……. Insert more maniacal laughter).

12pm. Here is the part where I normally do worksheets and art stuff with her for an hour or so. She sits on the dining room table and pastes things and cuts things and draws. She learns letters, numbers, and the like.
In other words, you’re the dad so you’re gonna fall asleep and she may give herself a haircut.

2:30pm. On guard in all diffusers except bedrooms. Kids will be home in an hour. Protect yourselves from what their classmates all have please.

2:45 pm. Go get kids from school. Don’t be late. Don’t be that dad. No one likes that dad. Do not. DO NOT UNDER ANDY CIRCUMSTANCE LET THAT LITTLE ONE NOD OFF IN HER CAR SEAT ON THE WAY TO PICK UP THE OLDER TWO. If you do that she’ll take a nap and then bedtime will be off and then Lord in heaven will not help you. No one will sleep tonight. There is no rest. If she puts on her sunglasses she’s trying to hide the fact that she’s going to fall asleep. She will lie through her sweet face and tell you she’s not going to sleep but don’t fall for that cute little liar. Talk to her, sing a song, ask her questions, let her eat whatever she wants but do not let her nod off.

4pm. Home again. Make them shower. Have food ready ASAP. They’ll want a meal. Now. Try to get a veggie in. Try to make Drew eat it. (Here is where you should call me and apologize for saying that I should make her eat the veggies. You are normally into your work night and don’t have to fight this battle. Yeah, not easy is it?)

5pm. Kick them out of the kitchen. They will eat every thing within reach. Tell them they have to eat dinner. Tell them they can eat a snack at 6.

6pm. If by some miracle you haven’t fallen asleep and they have eaten every bite of food get something resembling a snack together now.

7pm. Sniff the little one. Does she smell funky? Bathe her.
(At this point I’ll have soaked in a hot tub for an hour with no one screaming, “WATCH THIS…WATCH…YOU ARE NOT WATCHING. WATCH!!!!” Here is also more maniacal laughter.)

8pm. That little one will ask for another snack here. If you give her anything with any sugar I promise she’ll be up till midnight.

8:30pm. Read books. Two or three. The smaller one will lie and say I read ten or something. She’s a cutie patootie lair face and she’s not to be trusted. Oil that child up with that magic sleep roller or there will be no magic sleep. Toss some good stuff in the diffusers.
Call me. Let me FaceTime. I’ll try to act miserable for your benefit. I’ll tell you the trip is so stressful and that I can’t wait to come home. I’ll leave out that I left my hotel and no one had to be pried off my body while screeching that they didn’t want me to leave.

9pm. Prayers. You’ll say, Who does God bless? And she’ll say, Everyone.
Make her say people. Make her aware of how to pray.

9:30pm (if you are lucky) go make sure the older two have brushed teeth, turned on diffusers, applied oils, and are either reading quietly or snoring. Take all devices. Take all books and flashlights. Make sure they took supplements.

11pm. That little one will creep out of bed and you’ll have to go lay with her. Do yourself a favor and go to sleep now bc tomorrow is roughly a repeat.

Oh but make sure the backpacks are ready and all of their things are ready for tomorrow or 6am becomes much, much harder.

When I get home you can tell me about how much you appreciate what I do and the hard work I put in and say other such empty promises about how you going to help out more and how you never realized what went into taking care of three children.
We both know you don’t mean it and that in roughly three days you’ll have forgotten all about this but still. It’s nice for that three days for you to act like I’m a domestic goddess of some sort.

Also. Remember that all you do while I’m gone I also do that plus my business work load. I just took my iPad and iPhone with me so I could handle that while I traveled. Yeah, you’re welcome.

Love ya. Mean it.
(In reality this whole thing is unrealistic. My husband has to work this week and my mother in law is spending the night on most of the week nights and the weekend belongs to my parents. Thank God for good parents. I have no idea what I’d do without their support. Out of five nights there will only be one night that my husband will actually be alone with the kids and I still fully expect that man to text and ask me how on earth I get it all done because he did just that several times last year while I was away. In fact, during lectures he texted me so often asking things about where his own socks were and how did I turn on the vacuum…… The same vacuum we’d had for three years…..that I lost track of everything going on and had to turn off my phone for a bit. I also vaguely remember a text asking me where the laundry detergent was and if there was a magic button to turn on the washer. The same washer we’d had for over a year.)

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