I wasn’t ready

Have you ever thought you were ready for something so completely only to have that ideal experience dashed to bits?  
Dealing with self worth and the after effects of surgery right now is getting in my head. First of all let me state this isn’t a new emotion for me. I’ve struggled with self image, body dysmorphia, and self worth for as long as I can remember. I simply don’t see myself the way that I am. I’m guilty of asking strangers in stores if this or that fits me. I generally ask my husband if something is the right size or not. What is new is being useless at home. 
For six days -now I’ve been down after having a medical procedure to remove skin due to weight loss. I’d tried to prepare as best I could in all ways. I had my house spotless Monday evening. I even managed to have all the laundry done which is no small task for five people . I had a basket of things for me to do: books, magazines, coloring books, iPad, all those things. After six days post op I am only able to get up when needed; when I have to make the excruciating journey to the bathroom on the way I notice that every surface is littered with dirty dishes and toys. The floor feels sticky under my feet. As a testament to how much I work the house seems to be falling apart with me. I am reminded of a blog I read by a woman who had a boob job, tummy tuck, and thigh lift all at once (I don’t know if she was a genius or a masochist but at this point I’m leaning to the latter) she hired a maid to come in twice a week for six weeks. She also rented a hospital bed and had it in her living room. I don’t have that funding but let me pass on some wise advice for those of you that do, rent the bed and hire the maid. 
Needless to say I’m in a bad place in my head right now. Things will look up once I’m able to move around without searing, blinding pain. I really hate using pain medication but right now there is no other option. My son just loaded a diffuser with balance and serenity because everyone seems to be in edge here. I feel overwhelmed with sadness. It’s a long story as to why and it’s not for today because if I cry I’m fairly sure it’s going to hurt seeing that anything more than a light chuckle feels sorta like I’m being pulled into two different directions.  
 I had a check up Friday during which all the nurses and doctors assured me I looked fantastic and that everything was going to be fine. I’ve researched this procedure all summer and despite seeing hundreds of others after pics and thinking they were awesome I feel different looking down to three feet or so of incision and drains on my own body. I resemble a robot of some kind. 
My children have been in a weird place all week. We’ve watches movies and read books and been very sedimentary. So far there has only been one outburst of tears from the five year old because I can’t climb in nor out of bed to lay with her before she drifts off to sleep. I tried several approaches last night and none of them worked. So we oiled up and Lennon, her older brother by eight years took her to sleep in his bed. 
I did manage a shower with my husbands help last night and it was amazing. Just for the record- men, take note, when a woman is sick or suffering just being there to wash and comb her hair and say anything positive goes a very long way. It’s one of those things I’ll never forget, his hands being so gentle with each tangle and him being so patient. Ladies, look for that in a man. Look for the man that takes care of you knowing he’ll get nothing out of it other than knowing you are taken care of. 
I naively believed I had this under control. I was wrong. There were some surprises along the way and I’ve not been equipped to deal just yet. But hey, that’s life isn’t it?  

We gotta go with the flow and do our best. 


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